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Literature Text
Face North, from whence adamant winters scorn,
Yet ‘fore the vile season runs its course,
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
When frost and chill do make men speak forlorn,
And the hearth ails not the mighty force,
Face North, from whence adamant winters scorn.
Think forth, to bright days of sky’s adorn,
When winter is but a cold, distant source.
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
But forget not your present plight reborn.
Have godly courage, Roman, Greek, and Norse!
Face North, from whence adamant winters scorn.
Though frozen and meek, hungry without corn,
Starving to feed your sons and your lame horse,
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
The seeds of planting are tears that are torn
From memories of planter, bruised and coarse.
Face North, from whence adamant winters scorn.
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
Yet ‘fore the vile season runs its course,
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
When frost and chill do make men speak forlorn,
And the hearth ails not the mighty force,
Face North, from whence adamant winters scorn.
Think forth, to bright days of sky’s adorn,
When winter is but a cold, distant source.
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
But forget not your present plight reborn.
Have godly courage, Roman, Greek, and Norse!
Face North, from whence adamant winters scorn.
Though frozen and meek, hungry without corn,
Starving to feed your sons and your lame horse,
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
The seeds of planting are tears that are torn
From memories of planter, bruised and coarse.
Face North, from whence adamant winters scorn.
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
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This is an older poem (from 1999) that I'd like some feedback on. It's one of those poems that, for a while, I sneered at... but recent commentary on it's lead me to think that I'm being too self-critical, perhaps.
A vilanelle.
A vilanelle.
© 2002 - 2024 dygel
Comments11
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The rhythm of this poem is somewhat rough, and does not aid the impact of the piece.
Being a bit more careful with the metre is often an aid to the rhythm of a poem.
Also, you have fallen to one of the easiest poetic pitfalls for such a rigid rhyming structure: occasionally mangled grammar and unwieldy syntax ( 'When frost and chill do make men speak forlorn,' being the most obvious example of such).
Although one can argue for 'poetic license', it still makes a poem look sloppy.
I quite liked the image
'The seeds of planting are tears that are torn
From memories of planter, bruised and coarse.'
I feel your chosen couplet for repetition could be improved upon.
Face North, from whence adamant winters scorn.
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
The first line is unwieldy, and doesn't convey its meaning easily - forcing a reader to stop for a lengthy period of time to try and figure out what exactly it is that you mean. As a result, it becomes an obstruction to the conceptual flow of the poem, and detracts from the impact.
The second line, however, is good.
Apart from that, a decent enough villanelle (I know well how finicky this particular form can be).
Just some thoughts, I hope you don't mind.
Benedictions!
Being a bit more careful with the metre is often an aid to the rhythm of a poem.
Also, you have fallen to one of the easiest poetic pitfalls for such a rigid rhyming structure: occasionally mangled grammar and unwieldy syntax ( 'When frost and chill do make men speak forlorn,' being the most obvious example of such).
Although one can argue for 'poetic license', it still makes a poem look sloppy.
I quite liked the image
'The seeds of planting are tears that are torn
From memories of planter, bruised and coarse.'
I feel your chosen couplet for repetition could be improved upon.
Face North, from whence adamant winters scorn.
Turn South, as the infant summer is born.
The first line is unwieldy, and doesn't convey its meaning easily - forcing a reader to stop for a lengthy period of time to try and figure out what exactly it is that you mean. As a result, it becomes an obstruction to the conceptual flow of the poem, and detracts from the impact.
The second line, however, is good.
Apart from that, a decent enough villanelle (I know well how finicky this particular form can be).
Just some thoughts, I hope you don't mind.
Benedictions!